What I will be Thankful for this Thanksgiving

Where we will be having Thanksgiving this year is a huge thing at my house. To say I don't feel like celebrating anything would be a major understatement. I think I must be able to project a better non-injured air than I knew. Because Steve really doesn't seem to understand how hurt I still am by Becky's suicide. I mean really, it's been three weeks . . . shouldn't I be over it by now?

Our options were: our House with me cooking, my closest friends house, or my in-laws house. I could tell Steve wanted to have it at our house, but I don't -- veto.

Steve doesn't want to have it with non-family. My friend -- veto.

So we are going to my in-laws. I email them to see if they are even having it as I haven't heard anything about it. Apparently they sent Steve (and even Tori) an email; they just assumed Steve would forward it. Both Lew and Dona forwarded me the original email outlaying their plans for thanksgiving. They are doing something they did a few years ago that I really enjoyed . . . then.

Every family that comes will need to "sing" for their supper so-to-speak. A family member from each household will either need to recite a poem, a quote, or tell a story. Based around what they are thankful for. A lovely tradition if your sister didn't just commit suicide the month before.

I've cried off and on all day as I wrestled with this. Our household consists of only Steve, Myself, and Will. Normally, Steve would not do this at all and Will is too young. But I can't for the life of me get past a single sentence about being thankful without staring to cry.

I can see it now . . .

I stand up and read my list -- because that is all I can think of, a list:

I am thankful I am not dead like my sister.

I am thankful my oldest daughter moved to CO just when I needed her.

I am thankful my car exploded last month.

I am thankful I've put on 30 extra pounds this year and now can actually be mistaken for a blimp.

I am thankful my house stinks because I don't feel like cleaning it.

And I am really thankful I get to listen to everyone else's cute little poems and funny stories.

Who do you think will want to go next? Or, will the patty wagon come to take me away before desert. Because you know my fat ass will want desert.

I know Lew and Dona would not make us say anything and they wouldn't have asked it if they had any idea how adherent the idea would be to me right now. But even if I, or Steve, do not participate; I have to set there and listen to everyone else be thankful. All the while knowing my sister is lying 6 feet under and what ever they are thoughtful for doesn't seem that important to me right now.

And before you all email me offering support and encouragement -- I'm not suicidal (maybe I should add that to my thankful list) -- and I know I'm just having a bad day and there are TONS of things I am thankful for. They're just harder to see today.