Surviving the Sad Holiday Season

Thanksgiving is upon me. I've felt more and more depressed as the holiday has approached. I wish I could just miss it this year. I have no real desire to see family or set around and visit all day. (To be honest, a thick book and a thicker blanket on a large bed sounds pretty damn good.)

As my sadness has grown over the last few days I've blaimed it in part on the end of NaNo and the end of the book I'm writing. As an author, there is a natural let down to completeing a book. A "good bye" of a sense, to characters that have become friends and companions. In my case, to characters that have distracted me from dealing completely with Becky's death.

It has been difficult to write yesterday and today and yet I only need 4,800 words to "win" NaNo. I figure my book will be finished in another 5,000-6,000 words. Yet, once again they are not flowing easily. Only this time it's not because I am without direction, but because I am not happy. It is hard to set and right frivolous words when you feel sad.

It dawned on me yesterday that a month has come and gone by since Becky's funeral. We buried her on the 23rd of last month. In one since, it seems she's been gone forever. In another, I feel like I can still call her and wish her a happy Thanksgiving. Or more realistically, that she will be calling me to with me a Happy Thankgsiving. Regardless of how busy I thought I was, and how often I would go months without calling, she would always make a point of calling me or sending me cards for every freaking holiday. I think she even made up a few along the way.

I knew soon after her death, that the holidays would be hard on me this year. And they are. I love Christmas and for the last 10 years you could find me and my girls putting up my Christmas tree and all the trimming the weekend following Thanksgiving. And you'll find Steve griping about it, too. :)

I don't think he has to worry too much this year. I can't even think of putting up the tree without crying. Oh, I know I will eventually. Thought to be honest, I'm thinking of just buying a little one for Will's room. It would require less effort.

I'm worried if I drag out my big tree and set it up I'll feel like crying every time I look at it. That next year, my memories of this year will override my enjoyment of my tree. I don't know. Definatlely not a desision to make today.

Besides being so close to the time of her death, one of the reasons I am having such a hard time is that Becky's birthday is the 20th of next month. By this time every year for the last 30 years of my life; I have been trying to figure out what to get her. Or make her. What she was into this year? What color was her house decorated in?

I always wanted to make sure I had them finished in time to mail off and get to her by the 20th. Two presents; one for her birthday and one for Christmas. They were never big or super special; just acknowledgements. To let her know someone thought of her on those days; thought she was special.

But life goes on. You walk, or get dragged, through the days -- be they holidays or otherwise. As my mother-in-law is fond of saying when my father-in-law is complaining about growing old . . . it beats the alternative.

Or, as Dory says, "Just keep swiming."