Death has away of making you take a long look at your life

I'm no stranger to death; I've lost my grandmother, step-father, cousin, uncle, and my mom -- several times (but she keeps coming back). I thought I knew what to expect. That I understood the steps of grief; denial, anger, threatening, depression, and alcohol. I also felt pretty well versed in what to expect at each step.

But I guess Becky's death touched me closer, or a more intimate level, than any other I've ever experienced. I'm not sure if that is because she was my sister, my playmate, and my friend. Or, if it was because she was so young -- 6 years younger than me. Everyone eles I've lost was sick or old; it wasn't a huge surprise. Becky's suicide was a surprise, if not by nature, by timing.

But I find that unlike following the other deaths in my family, I am looking at my life with staid and world-weary eyes and not liking what I am seeing. All of a sudden, the thought buzzes around my head constantly . . .



If this is the last day of your life . .

Is this the way you want it to end?



Once again, I am not feeling suicidal so please no calling Adult Protective Services on me. No need to pray to God, we had a long talk earlier over some Amaretto. We're tight.

I know, as a rational individual, that I am not 100% myself at the moment. Things are skewed for sure. My feeling and emotions just don't feel right; sort of like wearing a hair shirt. (I can't say I've actually ever worn a hair shirt; but the visualization fits my current mood to a "t".) Itchy and uncomfortable. I feel very disconnected, which makes it a really bad time to look at your life to the degree I seem determined to do.

I'm looking at every choice, every option, every aspect, every relationship going . . . is this the best I can do? Is this what I want to achieve before I die? Knowing how short life is, do I need this hassle?

I'm also looking at what I've allowed myself to become and I am really unhappy with that. I've allowed years of staying at home, financial strain, worry about my girls going out on their own, and weigh gain to leave me with no sense of self worth of self value. What's more, I think I've been projecting my lack of value so loudly that others around me have started treating me like I have no value.

I guess my point would be that you should evaluate your life before major crises and to be prepared for the difference in loss when it's your sibling that dies.