Grief -- Dates vs. Situations

I've had people I loved and cared about die, but never anyone as close to me as a sibling, as Becky.

I went through the months of inconsolable grief. The anger. The disbelief. The acceptance.

I expected certain dates to bring forth the pain ever now and then; but for it to slowly lessen as life goes on.

But I forgot about the situations.

Dates you know are coming and you can build up your resistance to make it thorugh. Holiday, birthdays, the day she died. I expect to hurt on these days. Around these days. The memories are stronger, more detailed. The vague visits I took to her house or when she'd come visit me didn't have set dates. They weren't reoccuring. So while I remember them, they are not anchored to a date to plague me. But memories of gifts, cards, and get togethers around the holidays are.

But situations? They just sneak up and kick your ass unexpectadly.

Last week I needed to get some crit points on one of my sites and ended up criting a story where a woman had a breast reduction surgery. The story it's self was happy and uplifting. I pointed out how painful Becky had said the surgery was, how it took months to recover from, how Becky suffered from depression afterwards. Which led me to wonder if the resulting depression ever went away or just leached in and contributed to her eventaul suicide. Which made me sad.

Then Uncle Bill died. While I didn't fly up for the funeral, I have grieved for his loss here at home. I have greived for the loss of my sister-in-law's father. And both of their losses have brought back to the fore the pain of Becky's loss.

I'm working like crazy, running and doing SOMETHING when I'm not working, and sleeping very little; trying to escape the sludge of grief that has crept up.

Yep, dates are like slow rising flood waters. You know they are coming and you can shore up your resistance and limit the damage.

Situations catch you with your shields lowered and your thoughts else where and slam into you like unexpected tidal waves, destroying all your meager defensese.

I'm off to hunt for a life vest.