Uncomfortable With the Thought of Success

My younger sister, the live one, has always accused me of self-destructing every time I'm close to making something of myself.

I've always been a hard worker and a pretty clever person about figuring things out. I've always "wanted" to make something of myself. I truly can't tell you how many things I've started over the years. A few I do remember:

• Dance Studio: I started a dance studio one summer for children only. I taught them country and western dances with a heavy lean toward line dances. I quit when there were to many students wanting to join and it seemed more hassle than fun.


• Seamstress: I did alterations and made garments for the public for several years while the girls were growing up. I just tired of messing with the public and quit doing it.


• Fabric Store: I was going to start my own at-home fabric and sewing store in a small town. I ordered everything I needed and had money to set it up. I even had my tax form, DBA, and everything and then decided people could just drive the extra 45 miles to get fabric . . . why would they come to me?


• Writer: I actually wrote a novel and half of a second one about 6 or 7 years ago. During a computer crash they got lost and instead of jumping back into it, I just took it as a sign I wasn't suppose to make it.


• Denim Deva: I designed denim earrings and necklaces made from old jeans that was decorated with rhinestones and nail heads. Also made several different styles of jackets made from leather as well. Sold them all over the local area I lived in and attended shows with them. Very popular, but I got tired of cutting all the thick denim.


• Bow Bonanza: I designed and handmade bows for baby girls with little hair. I had displays made for them to stand on and had them set up at 12-15 different stores in 5 different surrounds cities. Was making a killing and really liking it but it took to much time away from my girls.


• Accountant: I went to school for this; drove 45 minutes one way every day for over 9 months. Took classes online to speed up process and graded papers to help pay for tuition. I passed with flying colors. Worked one job and decided it was to boring for me. I really did like the computer classes better.


• Photographer: Bought a professional camera, backdrops, and played around with it for a few months. Took family photos. Didn't make payments, camera got repossessed.

And these are just the one's I can remember. I worked REALLY hard at setting them all up. Put in tons of work and succeeding to a point in most of them that no one believed I could . . . then I let every one of them slide away.

I've sort of been letting the same thing happen lately to my pattern company. I've always thought this company has a real chance at succeeding. At becoming big enough that it can support my family. I believed that when I started it almost three years ago and I believe it now. But about a year ago I just stopped working on it.

Oh, I do the bare minimum I have to. I fill my orders when they come in. And I am amazed they continue to come it. I haven't added new patterns or updated any of the old patterns. I haven't advertised or pushed my web advertising. I've done nothing. I can honestly say there have been entire weeks where I spent less than 2-3 hours a week working on my company. And it's still here.

My sister says that life has caught up with me and I'm about to succeed whether I want to or not. Oddly enough, once I start looking over my life and my pattern of failing business . . . I think she may have a point.

I was explaining my fear of success to a sister-in-law today and I stumbled upon the perfect way of getting it across.

Have you ever been in a really fancy restaurant where you were just NOT COMFORTABLE? Or, for me, there are REALLY nice fabric shops I won't go in, I feel like I'll get the bolts dirty or something. Very expensive furniture stores where the sales staff looks down their nose at You? I feel like that every time I think about being a success.

I feel comfortable struggling to make it, and uncomfortable even thinking about actually making it.

Weird hu?