Me, Not Me, and Sort of Me

I've mentioned that I recently stopped taking anti-depressants. The most recent need of them resulted from my younger sisters suicide in October of last year. But all the women in my family constantly fight a battle against depression.

Just putting that word out there (depression) is like assigning myself all these negative connotations. People who grow up without having someone close to them battle depression over periods of years, just don't understand. They are also extremely lucky and should be hunted down and tortured -- just so we're all operating from the same view point.

The depression in my family line has a medical reason. All the women, and some of the men, suffer from a serotonin shortage. Our bodies just don't provide enough on a daily biases. Now, you can go years without the level dropping to the point it induces major depression . . . as long as nothing bad or stressful happens to you.

I love numbers, and to me it is much easier to understand that way. On an average day, I produce 80% of the serotonin i need. On a stressful day my need will double; but my production does not, now I'm producing 40% of what I need. I'm in the critical zone. But this can be overcome as long as the stressful situation resolves it's self quickly and I'm allowed to slowly creep my level up to 50% and then 60%.

Things like eating right, being outside each day, taking vitamins, and working out all help. They all increase the level of serotonin produced naturally. Less so in me than most, but enough to make a difference.

The bottom line is that I WILL be depressed off-and-on my entire life, or I will be taking serotonin to counteract it. Those non-serotonin takers out there are thinking, "So, just take the medicine."

Yes, I could. But then I am not me, not usually. As your serotonin needs changes on a daily basis it is impossible to correctly supply just what you need to stay at 100% on a daily biases.

If I need 20% serotonin on a normal day; the doctor can't subscribe that to me. Because the first bad day I hit, I'm sinking down already. So they over adjust. They give me 40% which builds up if I am having good days and before you know it, I'm numb. It's not the same as depressed; it's just not "me". All of my emotions and needs are dulled; happiness, sadness, love, appreciation, sexual drive, ambition.

The easiest way I can think of explaining the differences is that when I am depressed you will catch me saying, "I don't care," a lot. And I mean it. I really don't care. When I am over medicated you will catch me saying, "What ever you want" -- because I have no preference one way or the other.

It probably sounds very similar to the non-gators out there, but there is a world of difference to the person going through it. Lack of preference is much better, trust me on this.

But the sweet spot, the moments that make life worth while, are the in between stages. Right after I've gotten off serotonin and am as close to operating at 100% as I'll ever be. It's between the "I don't care" and the "Whatever" phase. A phase I like to call "my way". lol

I care about everything, because all of a sudden I can. I have genuine emotions that are almost overwhelming because I haven't experienced them in so long. I have an opinion about everything going on; in my life, the city I live in, Steve's job, etc.; and I have a hard time not voicing it.

I cry at commercials. I laugh out loud at silly stuff Will does ALL THE TIME. I call customers "bitch. I argue over the price of beans. And when it's all over, I'm left going, "Who is this? This is not me." But it is.

Everyone in my family refuses to get medication for our depression until it's been going on way to long, as a result there are 3-7 years between our treatments. I'd forgotten so much. Most of all, I had forgotten I wasn't alone.

My sister, the living one, called me the other day complaining about the shrew she's turned into lately. She was shocked and dismayed. I just laughed.

It truly has come to the point where we are healing from our sisters death. When we are able to put aside whatever crutch we needed to make it through the days.

Yeah, we're loud, opinionated, and more than a little bitchy.

But God, I love us, and I'm happy to see us back.