My God, My Church

My religious beliefs, or lack of them, have come up three different times in the last few week. I've really had an opportunity to step back and look at what those beliefs have evolved into.

I was raised as a Jehovah's Witness, sort of. While I understood that it was preferable to die that take someones blood, I could not celebrate anything including my birthday, and it was always best to turn the other cheek . . . I saw members of my congregation and family drink, do drugs, and fornicate to their hearts content. Didn't exactly leave me feeling like the rest of it must have been that important.

When I was 23, I was sitting on my couch at home drinking a beer, smoking a cigarette, and cussing my no-good husband that was probably out running around. My oldest asked me AGAIN why we didn't have a Christmas tree like everyone else. All of a sudden I had a very clear vision of who I was and what I was doing and it scared the hell out of me. I called the elder up on the phone and basically turned in my notice. Loaded up the girls and went out to buy what I thought you needed to go on a tree. Having never put up a Christmas tree I was WAY off: the tree was to big for the holder, I only bought two strands of lights, but I bought 10-12 boxes of icicles. It was crazy.

The big thing though, was that I made a commitment to myself to NEVER serve or participate in a religion I didn't support totally. No more halfies for me.

I spent the next five years talking to and interviewing deacons, priests, elders, and ministers from every religion I could find. I read books on different religions, different beliefs, talked to everyone about their belief systems.

I never found a "church" I wanted to belong to. Truth to be told, I found that a church or organization wasn't a requirement of my ability to believe or communicate with a higher being. I've felt closer to God setting out next to a tree in the heat of the day with my eyes closed shut from the burn of the sun than I ever did in a church.

I've attended different churches off and on with family members or as I felt the need to congregate. Truthfully, that is the only absence I've noticed caused by my lack of participation in an organized religion. No group of like-minded individuals to hang out with. No organized get together. No support group. Over time I came to see that it was those aspects, in many cases, that kept people tied to their church. In it's own way, it was a crutch for those that needed "something" to carry them through, to hold on to. And I have to say, it's a hell of a better crutch than many they could have chosen.

When I met Steve, I found my counter part in disassociation from organized religion. Steve was raised Catholic and due to his own journey had come to renounce his faith as well. When we decided to get married we wanted out union blessed by God, but we didn't want to have to join a church to do so.

We sent out dozens of letters to different churches in Austin letting them know our feelings, concerns, and desires on the matter. We interviewed several prospective ministers who were supportive of our position and choice a wonderful minister.

I'll have to admit though, the older I get even the concept of a "God" is beginning to loose it's hold on me. There is no one moment in time I could look back and say, "This is the reason I do not believe in God." It was a slow coming of enlightenment.

At this point in my life, I perceive God as many do Santa Clause; he is the spirit of goodness that is out there. He could be mother nature, a sense of belonging, or our connection to the earth. There is a sense of presence when we open ourselves up; and I label that God now.

When I am out on my hammock and the sun is filtering through the tree branches to wrap me in warmness. When the wind gently blows the leaves and a few float gracefully down to the ground. When a butterfly is tasting the flowers near me and the sound of birds feel the yard. That is my God, my church.