Mine Enemy: Sleep

I can't remember a time in my life when sleep came easy.

As a child with a bad family life, you were your most vulnerable at night. I'd lay awake listening to every shift of the house, every squeak of the floorboard. Straining hard enough I could hear family members breathing two or three rooms away. Hear the dogs outside scratching. Each car as it slowly drove past.

When the children came, none of them slept well. No eight hour sleep patterns for my babies until they were well over a year old.

As a classic Type A personality, I've always gone for the stressful job. Worked where there was no way my responsibilities could be completed on time. And I asked for more.

But even over the last few years, with no job (per say) and William old enough to sleep most nights, I still don't sleep. I manage, on average, 4-6 hours of sleep in a 24-hour period. Always have. And it's beginning to look like I always will.

I manage to function, but it's not healthy. A lack of sleep cuts down on my natural serotonin levels; making it easier to become blue or depressed. A lack of sleep makes it harder to loose weight, gives you bags under your eyes, and leaves you fatigued all day.

The flip side of my problem is that I fall asleep at the drop of a hat in certain circumstances. Like in a car. Take me for a ride in a car and I'll be asleep in half an hour. If I'm driving, two hours max. When I drove up to see Paul for his birthday recently, I had to stop an hour in and pull over for a few minutes shut eye.

I don't even try to go to sleep until about one in the morning, knowing I'll just lay there if I do. And sometimes I still lay there. I toss all night long, though a little less in my new bed. I change positions constantly. Half the time I'll get back out of bed during the night. I'm usually up by six (by alarm when Will goes to school), or by seven thirty when left on my own.

I use to take pills to help me sleep but stopped when I was expecting Will. I've never gotten back on them because Will still needs me some nights. I also can't hear everything that goes on in the house if I take pills.

I fear that until Will is old enough to defend himself, I'll just have to live with mine enemy - sleep.