Blue Night

I'm feeling a little blue tonight.

Sad.

Disappointed in myself.

Due consideration was given as to whether I should even blog about my state of mind. I do not want to freak anyone out. Don't want my husband to start thinking he's doing anything wrong; that I'm unhappy.

One of the ironic things about ongoing battles with depression is that when you are doing okay, you have to constantly reassure those that love you that you are happy, content.

I've spent the last few days coming to terms with where I am in my life and as Tori use to say when she was three, "I am not very happy!"

When I see people doing really well in different careers I've always allowed myself some slack. They didn't have the obstacles I had, the set backs. They didn't marry early. Didn't have children so young. Didn't, didn't, didn't . . .

I reconnected recently with my best friend from my teen years. He started the same place I did. Had the same family issues. Had to do everything the hard way. And you know what, he made it. He has an amazing job doing something he loved doing back them, working with planes. There were no short cuts for him. It took years (and years) of hard work, training, and climbing the ladder to get where he is today.

I've vaguely been aware of my sister-in-law going back to college - sorry Nan, if it doesn't have to do with my kids, it's vague in my world. But it didn't really impact me until this week when she was posting photos of her graduation on facebook that she's finished. I've been saying for years I am to old to go to college now. (I'm pretty sure Nan is older than I am.)

Tonight I've come to the conclusion that where I started from, and my age, are not what's been holding me back. They are not the reasons I've never made more of myself. They've just been my crutches.

Which leaves me looking at the culprit in the reflection of my monitor.

There's no excuse. I have not accomplished the things I wanted to be because of my own actions. My own weaknesses. My own fears.

I think that realization deserves a few tears.

And tomorrow, a kick in the ass.