Sleeping with a Stranger

This is the second long-term relationship of my life. I was with the girl's father for 10 years. Steve and I have been together 13 years, married 12 of them in May.

One thing that I have noticed with long term relationships is that the person you are involved with continues to evolve. It's perfectly normal, but no one ever tells you when you are about to commit your life to a person that a few years down the road you'll be married to a virtual stranger. (Or, that you will be a stranger to them as well.)

There is no time limit on when or why a person adjust and changes; be it their personality, wants, or appearance. It's just part of life. But take my dear husband, Steve. When Steve met and committed to me he was getting a woman in her early 30s who liked to dance and party, who "needed" to make something of herself, dressed to impress, laughed way to loud, had just quit smoking, and thought she could do and be anything she wanted . . . she was also about 130 pounds soaking wet.

Thirteen years later and Steve is married to a woman who has stayed at home so long she actually has a fear of interacting with others. Doesn't like to go out in public. Works from home. Spends all her time with a 4-year old; which definitely affects your ability to carry on a conversation. Seldom wears makeup or dresses up. Wants to live in the country and raise animals and grow plants. And would squish a 130-pound woman flat should she have an occasion to fall on one.

This doesn't even begin to list or describe the changes we go through in our life. It's sort of like your children: if you spend every day with them you don't notice the change as much, but don't see them for a week or two and you hardly recognize them.

It's not just a matter of time that causes changes in people. It can be sickness, job loss, unhappiness, medication, dealing with death or illness of a loved one. There are no end to the things that impact and actually change who we are. And when we change who we are; we affect the others around us.

Something I've seen happen in both my long-term relationships is a change in interests or dislikes. I'll be at a get together and someone will go to give my husband some ???. I'll stick my hand up and stop them, "Sorry, ___ doesn't like ???" Then get the shock of my life when I hear, "Yes I do. I'D love some."

Food taste, taste in clothing, interest in sports, music choices, attention to personal appearance. It all changes and when it does, the other spouse is left going, "What the shit just happened?" It's always the non-changing spouse that is left in the dark, taken by surprise.

I've spent several years deeply depressed and sinking further and further into a state of despair. During that time, Steve had to step up and fill a lot of my responsibilities, make a lot of my decisions. I just didn't care. Then I finally got the help I needed and I spent the next year (off and on) on anti-depressants. Which mostly left me mellow but with no real desire to change the world or make decisions. But the longer I am off of my medication, and not depressed, the more "me" I can feel coming back to life.

I thought Steve would be happy to see me again. My sense of humor is coming back, my desire to conquer projects and make things happen. My love of a simple walk or playing in the back yard with Will. My intense disLIKE of watching TV. I"m me again; and I like me.

But it's not that simple. After years of living one way, without a change in flight plan or any notification, I have rewritten the guidelines for our relationship. Almost overnight. As a result we are going through some strife right now. Nothing bad.

Just the uncomfortable readjustment to realizing a stranger is sleeping in your bed.