I'm going to be a Grandmother

I found out tonight that by July of 2010 I will be a Grandmother. I can't say I was shocked, I have two daughters over the age of 20 that have both been in steady relationships for a while.

But the roller coaster of emotions was unexpected.

When Bonnet first told me, over the phone, I was like, "That's nice dear, would you pass the peas?" Okay, not really, but that is what it felt like. I wasn't excited, happy, sad, upset. It was like she had the flu, or I was adding something to my shopping list -- i'm going to be a grandmother, check.

After I got off the phone with her I stated picturing a baby that was part my Bonnet. Remembering Bonnet as a baby. Thinking of having another chance to love and hold, protect, a baby Bonnet. Then I got excited. I HAD to tell everyone. I'M GOING TO BE A GRANDMOTHER.

About an hour later, it hit. Realization. She lives in CO. Other than a brief week she will be in TX next month, I probably will not get to see her during her entire pregnancy. I'll probably miss the birth. Even if I can go up and stay a week when the baby comes, I know what will happen. I am going to love it to death and it is going to kill me to leave. I won't be there for it's first smile, step, word. I won't get to see it every day, or once a week, or every month. When I do see the baby, it won't even know who I am. So I cried, and cried, and cried. And still cry.

I'm going to be a Grandmother.