I want to suck your toes!

Have you ever had a crank phone call? An obscene phone call?

When my girls were small and I was a stay-at-home mom, I received obscene phone calls for several months from the same caller. I didn't turn them in to the police. I didn't get all hysterical.

I might have if they'd ever got really bad, but mainly the guy just wanted to suck my toes. Still, lots of people would be at least a little creeped out by some stranger calling them up and saying in a disguised voice, "I want to suck your toes" -- in a Count Dracula tone of voice non-the-less.

Not me. Partially, because I assumed it was one of my husbands friends. You would have to know my ex, but this is totally something the type of people he hangs out with would think was funny. The fact the male caller disguised his voice and never got more detailed in his desires also led me to believe it was someone I knew.

But the real reason I let it run on for months was that I was bored and lonely. I actually looked forward to the calls, would feel some excitement when the phone rang. I'd talk to the caller for 5-10 minutes each time he called. I'd try to trip him up. Shock him into loosing his false voice.

I'd tell him in great detail why he did NOT want to suck my toes. I'd been in garden without shoes, had foot fungus, just stepped in dog dodo, the girls just vomited down my leg.

I'd pick on him for not being very imaginative. Toes? Really? That gets you off? Well, do you like toes with polish better? If so, what color? Since you're a toe-man, I bet you like women in sandals.

God alone knows how long the calls would have kept coming if he hadn't caught me on a bad day. I picked up the phone and he started with his toe dialogue and I told him, "Sorry dude, but I can't today, I'm in the middle of something." He ignored me and just started are same old conversation.

It really pissed me off, I got ignored by my husband every single day. I didn't need the damn obscene caller ignoring me. So I cussed him out. I told him to grow up leave me alone. He never called again.

I can't tell you how many times over the coarse of my life that I've been lonely and bored enough to actually think of him and miss those silly conversations.

I'm sure he's moved on to another set of toes by now, and I hope they appreciate him.