Loss of Self

Outside of a major trauma, people don't tend to loose themselves all at once. It generally happens without notice. A compromise here, looking the other way there, not returning the item in the bottom of the basket that got overlooked during check out.

When we are young, and most of our boundaries and ideas are set, they are set in stone. Actually, they are set in black and white. It is only as we live that different shades of gray become obvious.

Today, for the first time, I knowingly face the loss of a piece of self. Tomorrow, a friend of mine is doing something I whole-heatedly do not approve of. Something that is repugnant to me. I have not spoken up against it, as it is not illegal, and I know it is not a decision she has come to lightly. I know she needs my support. I am one of the few people she has mentioned this to, and I need to honor that trust by helping her through this.

But a few minutes ago, it got worse. At least for me. She asked if I would drive her to her appointment and pick her up later. Now I am no longer an impartial observer that kept quite, I'm an actual participant in the action.

Yes, I could have said no. But what good is my support if it's only verbal?

I'll do it. It's just two rides. An hour out of my day. And I know it wouldn't be safe for her to drive herself home.

She is my friend, and I love her. Regardless.

I'm just a little saddened tonight over the smearing of another black line in my soul.