When I Grow Up

I've always been impressed with people who know early in life exactly what they want to do as adults. Whether that is become a doctor, a stay-at-home mom, work on cars, or fly planes. It's even more awe inspiring when you see these people take every right step in getting where they need to be. When you see them reach their goals and how fulfilled they are.

Of coarse, I hate them a little too. Okay, a lot.

How is it that one person can know from childhood exactly what they are destined to become and the child sitting next to them ever day in school has no clue. Has no clue in elementary school. No clue in Junior High or High School. Hell, how many people go off to college with no clue of what they want to be when they graduate?

I'm a no-clue person. I've always joked that I wanted to be a writer. And if there was a great sign in my life, it was that of writing. I wrote poems, novels, songs, short stories; all through school. I like to blame a lack of encouragement (or even freaking expectation) for my failure to pursue a dream. But maybe it was simply the lack of a dream.

After Becky, my sister, committed suicide a few years back I decided life was to short for "when I grow ups", so in the month of November I wrote an entire novel. Then I spent over a year working on it. At best, I'd say it's half way ready to be shown to a publisher. And I haven't touched it in six months.

My living sister (and yes, that is really how she comes up in conversation), Byjo, says that I have a fear of success. She swears that I seem to blindly go through life stumbling over great opportunities, or making my own, then as soon as it starts looking like it's going to take off I sabotage it. But, according to her, one day I will succeed despite myself. We'll see.

Even thought I love writing, any type of writing feels the need to create for me. The instructions I produce and sell on my website, the blogs I post here. I consider it all writing and it does feel natural. Comfortable. But I still wouldn't swear it was what I was meant to be when I grew up.

Will tells me on a daily biases that he wants to be a fireman and a doctor. He's been saying the same thing for over a year - which is a long time to a five year old. I'm left to wonder if he'll want to be an astronaut, race car driver, scientist, etc, as the years pass. Or, will he grow up and be a fireman and a doctor?

Then I think back to my child hood and realize even as a child I had no dreams. Part of it was that life was just tough. I did well to concentrate on making it day-to-day. Part of it was also that my parents, teachers, and relatives had no expectation that I'd grow up and be anything.

I prefer to think I just missed the big sign. The one-way arrow on the flashing neon billboard, pointing out Misty's destiny.

The good news is I'm not a quitter and I'm not dead. I'll figure it out. In the mean time, I'm still pissed at all of you that caught a glimpse at your signs in childhood.