Conflicting Parenting Styles?

When the girls came to live with Steve and I on a full-time bases, the adjustment was rocky for all of us. It wasn't the finance or space issue. Not the rescheduling to make sure someone was available as needed. It was that the girls had grown up to a certain parenting style; one employed by not only myself, but their father and grandparents. Steve's parenting style was at the opposite end of the pole. Conflict was going to happen and did, often.

The resulting strife nearly tore Steve and I apart and definitely damaged his relationship with the girls. My thought at the time was that they were mainly raised, they were use to a certain way of dealing with authority figures. It worked. They were not bad girls. They worked hard in school. Besides, Steve had never been a parent . . . so I figured it was just something he didn't understand.

When we talked of having a child together, I realized I would have to back up off my "this is our way" and allow Steve's child to be raised more as Steve saw fit. And I have. (Although, I doubt he thinks so.)

For five and a half years I have been the main parental figure in Will's life. I do the best I can. With my background and experiences, my main goal is to see that he enjoys childhood. I set guidelines (though not as many as Steve thinks he needs), and when I think Will needs it, I discipline him (just not as often as his dad would like).

A lot of things Will does, I see -- as a parent of multiple children -- as stages of growth and development. Yes, they are irritating, but if you just hang on for a few months they grow out of them.

Today, Steve and I didn't do too well as parents. Steve spent all day laying into Will for one thing after another - constantly. And his voice would raise each time. I left the room twice because I did not want to physically be a part of the conversation. And I want to point out that in each instance I totally understood why Steve was irate with Will. I just think you need to pick your battles. If you fight ever scrimmage, your kid will either never listen to you or you'll get so blinded by the trees in your way you'll miss the forest fire until it's to late.

After Will was in bed, Steve and I talked. He things I don't discipline Will, that I allow him to walk all over me. That hurt - as much I am sure, as what I told him.

I left him in bed and came to the computer, feeling doomed. Will is only five. How are we going to make a relationship, with this type of growing strain, last through his teenage years?

Searching the Internet for answers (and God, don't you love that you can do that?), I found that there are four basic types of parenting styles, and as you would expect, Steve and I have different ones.

The type of parent Steve is often results in well trained little soldier type children. They follow directions, do well in school, find a job. BUT, they are not happy, don't deal with with people, and are prone to depression - sounds a lot like my loving husband.

The type of parent I am often results in happy children with less depression, but no appreciation for authority figures or desire to exceed at anything. (Boy, I loved reading that.)

The surprisingly good news is that having conflicting parenting styles can actually be very beneficial for a child. They grow up feeling loved and supported, regardless of their behavior or accomplishments, but doing well in education and with choosing and sticking to a career.

But the parents have to learn to compromise. To never over step each other at the time of discipline. To discuss things outside of their children's hearing range.

Good for the child, hard on the parents.