Touched Out

Tonight as I was walking past my husband to answer a summons from my 4-year old, my husband held his hand out to squeeze mine as I walked by. It's a sweet gesture that he does quite often, but tonight it was more than I could handle. I walked around his hand without touching it or offering him an explanation.

To be honest, I would have thought the explanation was apparent. I had the words "DO NOT TOUCH ME" tattooed on my head, I'm sure I did. I could feel the pain from where each letter was pounded in during the day. My head was throbbing, my left eye lid was jerking, my nerves were shot and I could not take one more person needing anything from me at the moment . . . not even a quick hand squeeze.

I've suffered through this before when Will was a baby. It's not uncommon for new moms, but this is the first time I've ever had this problem with a child as old as Will. By the end of the day I am just touched out. Every single touch, caress, hold makes my entire body cringe and my ear drums sensitive. (Okay, I know the ear drum thing is odd; but I have very sensitive ears.)

With new moms, they actually tell you to expect something like this. As a society, we really don't touch each other that often. Even if you spent all evening wrapped up in your spouses arms, it would probably only be 4 hours a day or so. With a new baby you end up holding it 10-12 hours a day, more if you breast feed. By the time your husband comes home you can't stand to be touched at all. So yeah, if the actual birth, weight gain, and exhaustion haven't put an end to your sex life being "touched out" will.

I have two grown children, and once I was past the baby stage with them I never had another episode of being over touched. But I had three sets of grandparents that lived in the same town, a slew of aunts and uncles, and my girls both went to headstart starting when they were 3 or 4. So I had plenty of breaks. Plenty of time off. Not so with Will.

Will and I are essentially together 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. No grandparents (the type that pick up your kids and keep them a few hours anyway), no aunts or uncles, we don't qualify for headstart, and we can't afford pre-school. So from 8 or 9 am until 11 or 12 pm every day of every week of every month of his 4-year old life I have had Will with me.

I have left him twice with Tori for a few hours in the last 4 years to have a date with Steve. I know, your jealous . . . two dates in 4 years. I go, Girl!

I have been lucky enough to have 1 weekend and a 3-day break when Steve watched him so I could sneak away.

Yes, Steve does live in this house and he comes home every night. But Steve has been averaging getting home around 6 or later the last few months. Then between 6 and 9 when Steve goes to bed, we have to eat, he has to relax, I have to take a bath, etc. Not really any time to escape and if I'm in the same room with them, Will is laying on me, kissing me, jumping on me, or yelling in my face.

I'm going to say that 3 our of every 4 weekends for the last few months Steve has been gone or working -- at least one day of the weekend.

Then Bonnet moved out of state and Tori picked up a second job. So Will sees less of them then normal as well. The result is that he clings to me even tighter. He has gotten to the point he won't hardly go to the convenient store with his dad without me. He cries if Steve tries to take him away from me.

And when we are together he can hardly go without touching me CONSTANTLY. I must get 200-500 kisses and hugs a day, my face is chapped and my neck has a crick in it. If I lay down to watch TV or read, he literally climbs on top of me. If I set down he crawls in my lap. If I'm on the computer he climbs either in my lap or on the desk between me and keyboard.

If someone else is with us he doesn't like me to touch them or set next to them; he'll force his way between us. Will doesn't like me to talk to anyone else when he's around either. I am suppose to talk and touch only him.

I know some of you out there are thinking that some day I am going to miss this and regret that it ever come this close to suffocating me. And I know you are right, to a point. I do have grown children. I know how fast they grow. How much you miss the opportunities. How much you miss the unguarded love.

But right now, I just need to breath.