Go Kill Yourself; Next Week

In 42 years of life I have gone off with my girlfriend(s) only once to enjoy being away from it all. I’m not talking about a party weekend. In fact, we spent the entire weekend eating at places people don’t take children and scrapbooking in our hotel room. You know your old when . . .

I have had an occasional weekend away with members of my family. Cindy, Becky, and Byjo have been wonderful over the years for arranging time for us to escape away together. Where we could enjoy the silliness that only comes with a bunch of drunk women reliving their free and wild days. My days were not nearly as wild or free as theirs, so I always took the photos and made notes for blackmail purposes later.

Regardless, my point is this. The one time I went out to get away from it all, my sister committed suicide. I was actually called in the middle of the night at the hotel I was staying at. Then months of emotionally crippling stress, pain, and sadness immediately followed. To say I didn’t come back from that weekend relaxed and ready to enjoy my life would be an understatement.

So, being the type of person who takes the bull by the horns, I wanted to let everyone I know that if they were considering suicide, next week would work out better for me. I know, how selfish can I be? Right? Well, I need a weekend away and I am going to have it.

Just in case my heart-felt plea isn’t reaching you, consider the following list of atrocities I am prepared to heap upon you after your death:

• I will plant stickers on your grave at least 4 times a year.


• I’ll ask the minister to acknowledge your gay lover during the ceremony.


• I will wear a bikini to your funeral. Do remember I’m 200 pounds and only 5.2 feet tall.


• I will take my dog to relieve himself on your grave every time I’m in town. And when the dog I have dies, I’ll get another one.


• I will surround your grave with statues of the Virgin Mary.


• I will put cheap plastic holiday decorations on your grave for EVERY holiday.


• I’ll play “You’re so Vain” on my CD player at your funeral, because it meant something special to us.


• I’ll post my own obituary in the paper and put in your worse school photo.


• I’ll egg your gravesite each Halloween.