Slogging through Soup

The first few horrible days after Becky's death I seemed to return to normal. I perform my daily duties, talk and joke with family, plan for my future . . . it seems the same as before. However, I've noticed that everything I do feels like I'm doing it in slow motion.

Well, I guess technically it more than feels that way. I am moving in slow motion. Apparently not bad enough that people in the street stop and stare at me in awe (or is that trepidation?).

But every day I get up, get dressed, check my emails, fill my orders, dress Will and then I look at the clock and go WTHH (What the Hell Happened?)! I got up at the same time I always do. I did the same things I always do. Yet, its hours later than I normally am able to accomplish them in.

It doesn't just happen during the morning either. There will be 4 or 5 times a day that the same since of loss time grabs me. It doesn't help that at the same time I've developed a bad case of forgetfulness.

I'll find myself just staring into a cabinet in the kitchen and I'll have no idea of why I'm there or what I'm looking for . . . nor how long I've been there. Okay, so maybe you've experienced that in your life. But have you ever found yourself standing in front of the oven, with the door open, and had the same feeling. All I could think was, "Jesus Christ, I wasn't thinking of jumping in was I?" If that was the case, I definitely need a bigger oven.

Then there are the actions of which I should never tell anyone in case they start looking for a room for me next to mom. The gallon of milk I put in the cabinet. The day I came in from running errands and tried to put my purse up in the oven (I have an oven issue obviously; must be on my mind because I need to clean it). Trying to cook over a non-lit stove.

When I try to explain my condition to people the words that come to mind are, "I feel like I'm slogging through soup." Today at lunch, Tori asked if that was like walking in quicksand. And it is, and it's not.

Soup is warm and lulling: it makes you want to pee yourself.