Norris said . . .

Norris is the girls grandfather, my ex-husbands father. He is a very quite man with little to say, ever.

When I first met Norris he was already married to his second wife, Ella. Ella, love her heart, never shut up. Which left me wondering if he was quite by nature or self-defense.

During the ten years I was married to their son, a common expression out of Ella's mouth was, "Norris said . . ." Everyone who knew the couple had to fight from laughting. Really? Norris said?

Ella used Norris as an instrument to make the words she was about to utter more important.

"Honey, you know I would never complain about what you wear.
But, Norris said you should dress up more when you come to work."

There is no way in HELL that man could have carried less about what I wore, or any of the other thousands of topics he supposedly commented on over the years. It was just Ella. Just their relationship.

Since Ella's death in January, I've been worried about Norris. His only child lives in CO. He's been all wrapped up in carring for Ella the last few years. No real friends. No job. No one to listen to constantly.

While in Brady this weekend I felt his loss deeper than I have since Ella's death.

I had to wonder if Norris would ever say anything again.

The invisible Stay-At-Home parent

There are definatley joys and rewards from being a stay-at-home mom and I don't want anyone to think there are not. I see every step my son takes in his developement. I over see his total development; who he plays with, what he watches on TV, how he plays, every thing he's exposed to. My first children were born while I was in my early 20s and I was so busy trying to figure out what I wanted from life and who I was that I didn't have an opportunity to truely enjoy their childhood. So I was bound and determined that it would be different this time.

The bad part of being a stay-at-home mom is that I pretty much have ceased to exist to the outside world. The first 6-months after I started stay at home I heard from the occasional old co-worker. The next year, only 1 or 2 outting with ex-coworkers. Now? I ran into someone I worked with for 3 years. Someone who I went to her house on several occasions, worked out with on a regular baises, dieted and checked weight with on a weekly baises. She didn't know who I was. Oh, she tried to hide it. Hugged me and immediately started asking how my son was doing and how I was. But she never mentioned my name, the company, and she didn't introduce me to her boyfriend.

Sure, it could be that this woman was the expection . . . but she wasn't. I have become invisible. To bill collectors and our neighbors; I am "Steve's wife". At play-dates, preschools, soccer; I am "Will's mom". Even when I go to visit my daughters or run into them in town; I am "Tori's mom".

I think my becoming invisible is partially my own fault. As a working profesional your "self worth" is calculated by: how much you make, your office size/location, your friends, the clothes you wear, what you accomplish during a day/week/month, your ability to exceed expectations, etc. There are a million ways you can judge yourself of being worthy. And more importantly, there are tons of people to reinforce your worth: co-workers, bosses, HR heads, clients. Hell, even the cafeteria people. LOL

But, once you become a stay-at-home parent, where do you find your self-worth and more importantly who's there to reinforce it for you? It should be simple; we keep house and raise our kids. The problem is that you do the same thing every single day for years on end and nothing changes; no deadlines are met, no house that is "finished" and doesn't need more cleaning, no "finished" child. We never really meet a "goal." And, while our spouces may be really supportive at first, that too changes. I don't know a single stay-at-home parent who doesn't eventually hear "I'll swap you", when they try to share their frustrations. It always looks simple to the person "not" doing it.

As time goes by we began to think of ourselves as of less value than we use to have. The odd thing is, as soon as we began to feel that way, we are treated that way. I live in Texas, where most men will still open doors for women, and almost anyone will open a door for a women with children. I can't tell you how many times over the last few years I've nearly walked right into a door following someone in. I've been sit on while in a waiting room. People arriving after me are called up before me. Every time I get in line somewhere, some one WILL step right in front of me when it's finally my turn. And if I say anything about it the response is always the same; "Sorry, I didn't see you." I can't figure out how they missed all 200 pounds of me. But if there is something wrong with them, it's an epidemic.